We have incredibly large ants in our house; very independent ants who don’t travel in packs (thank jebus; the ants are large and fast enough that if they organized they could easily overthrow me and take over the house). I only ever see one at a time, but I always see at least one, especially in the bathroom. No bathroom trip is complete without squishing at least one ant. And possibly another, but ant #2 won’t show up until ant #1 is dead, leading me to believe we actually only have one ant, who is immortal and capable of transporting himself around like he’s Q from Star Trek: The Next Generation. Which he’s not, I don’t think…

I always feel bad killing the poor little guys, but I’m going crazy and I want them gone! I’ve tried the little ant poison trap dealies, to no avail, and we’ve sprayed outside the house. Nothing. We might as well have posted a sign on our house saying “Ant Love Shack”. It’s where they can get togetherrrr. Baby.

I almost lost it last night when, while folding laundry, I found an especially large ant crawling along in the clothes basket. Lacking any sort of tissue to squish him, and not having time to grab one (seriously, they are fast!), I used the only thing accessible at the moment: one of Dan’s dirty socks (sorry Dan). I tried to squish the little guy as quickly and humanly as possibly, but he wouldn’t die! So I ran the sock into the bathroom so I could toss him in the toilet and drown him (oh god, I’m a horrible person) but his little legs were stuck in the cotton and I couldn’t get him off.  And he was still wiggling around. So I grabbed some toilet paper to pull him off the sock but his little legs were really stuck,  so I accidentally pulled him in half (I am so going to hell!) and I swear, his little legs were still wiggling! This is where I nearly started crying. Eventually I managed to pull him all off the sock and flush him down the toilet, but it was probably one of the most emotionally scarring moments of my life. I unintentionally tortured this poor creature!  Please don’t report me to PETA; I feel bad enough as it is.

Seriously, I need to figure out a way to get rid of these ants. Ants belong outside, not in my bathroom, not in my laundry, not crawling along my computer screen while I’m playing Sims. I’m at my wit’s end here. Help!